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CHEESY FIRE NOODLES

A modern twist on an ancient and complex cuisine.

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Ingredients:

Samyang buldak-bokkeum-myeon instant ramen, one cup (large)

American cheese, two slices

Welch's grape soda, one can

Instructions:

Add boiling water and seasoning packets to the cup of ramen, and leave to simmer.

When the noodles have softened, sit one slice of cheese on top.

After the first slice of cheese has melted, mix it thoroughly into the noodles before adding the second slice.

When the second slice of cheese has melted over the top of the noodles, they're ready to eat. Crack open a can of Welch's-brand grape soda, and enjoy.

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When I first landed in Korea, there was a huge amount of hype around Samyang's buldak-bokkeum-myeon; more commonly known as fire noodles, this brand of instant ramen is said to be the spiciest in the world. When I say hype, I mean it: a YouTube search for 'fire noodles' turns up hundreds of videos of gormless expat vloggers, all sweating and gurning as they attempt to stomach this devilishly spicy snack. I have to say, though... They really aren't that bad. Whether it was the two slices of fake plastic American cheese I took to adding, or the three packs of This Plus I took to smoking each week (vlog idea: 'TRYING KOREAN CIGARETTES CHALLENGE [NOT CLICKBAIT] *TASTEBUDS PERMANENTLY FUCKED!!*'), I found I could slurp them down without breaking a sweat. Paired with a sickly-sweet can of Welch's grape soda, cheesy fire noodles quickly became my go-to afternoon snack. Try them yourself! You'll feel like you're about to shit magma after your first helping, but that's all part of the experience.

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HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

Bibimbap and kimchi mandu from the little restaurant next to Bonghwasan station exit #3.

I ordered this combination of dishes so regularly that the proprietors of the restaurant started referring to me as 'Kevin Bibimbap'.

Lotteria's Hot Crispy Chicken Burger meal (large) with a side of Natural Cheese Sticks.

Lotteria changed my life.

Two 500ml bottles of GS25's own-brand unsweetened 'ice americano' coffee, and a box of Choco Songi biscuits.

Breakfast of champions. A morning dose of rocket fuel for the discerning educational professional, courtesy of Korea's finest convenience store chain.

As stupid as it sounds, I'd never really considered that when snow melts, it has to go somewhere. I bring this up because I'm currently witnessing for the first time what five months of accumulated snowfall turns into when the thaw hits.

In the springtime, urban Siberia is an ugly patchwork of beige, grey and brown. Pedestrian crossings that I previously inched across, fearful of cunting it in front of the waiting motorists, are now swollen with rancid meltwater. The slip risk is gone, but the new topography must be navigated with equal care; the other morning, as I attempted to ford a particularly treacherous stream of filth, it struck me that my commute had suddenly gone very Oregon Trail.

The informally designated ashtray snowdrift by the bus shelter recedes further by the day, incrementally revealing an entire winter's worth of fag ends and bus tickets.